Dear Dairy,
I haven't posted here since forever. I thought I'd try to work out my horrible grief by writing it down. It will probably come off whiny and selfish, not that I mean it that way.
My partner of 12 years, Gwendolyn McIntyre, died last Tuesday at 2:50am. The autopsy showed that not only had she had a major heart attack at age 29, she had suffered several smaller ones before the massive attack that took her from me. If she had gotten heart surgery and taken medication she likely would have lived many more years. I'm angry at her for not doing that.
It's Saturday morning for me. Gwen and I were night owls and I am up way too early. I have medication to slow down my brain and allow me to rest but I haven't anywhere near eight hours of sleep since Monday.
I ate a couple of chicken planks at Long John Silver's yesterday. It's the only food I've had since Gwen passed. I'm told this is normal but it worries my son for some reason.
I've talked to Gwen's mother, LaVerne, every day. Never had much contact with her before but when I called from the funeral home she told me she loved me. Didn't see that one coming. But now the urn is picked and the cremation will go forward. The whole thing will cost me about $5200. I had no idea how much these things cost, so I will have to raid my emergency fund again. Unfortunately, Gwen's mother was financially unable to help and so it fell to me.
When I think about what hurts so much, I might be a selfish ass. Yes, I miss Gwen dearly. I still ask my son if she's gone or I just think she is. At the same time, I worry about the future. I'm terrified of being alone. Gwen and I didn't socialize here in town--it was almost all on the Net. In fact, that's how we met. So, I miss Gwen but I want to have someone to love--real, tangible love--in the future. But I'm a klutz and shy so I can't see meeting anyone down the road.
I'm aware I will never replace Gwen. As so many people have said, we were like two puzzle pieces that fit together. Losing her scares me so much. She took care of me, she loved me, we did so many things together. Right now we should be at my writer's retreat. I am afraid to fly and afraid sometimes of crowds, so Gwen got the plane tickets and hotel room. She was looking forward to meeting my fellow writers and seeing new places.
Okay, that's enough self-pity for today.
5 comments:
Dear Missy, I just heard your news about Gwen. I am so sorry! I will keep you and all your family in my prayers. God, yes, keep writing and talking and going to Long John Silvers and whatever else you need to get through this. Be gentle and patient with yourself.
Love and light,
Mary Hershey
Missy, hooray for you for acknowledging the crazy mix of emotions that is grief, and thank you for sharing them with us. Not one of them is selfish or self-pitying, both of which you'd be absolutely entitled to. You have an enormous network of support from your online friends, who I feel are just as real as in-the-flesh friends. Know that, from all across the country, we're all sending you healing energy and warm thoughts. And lots and lots of hugs.
Missy, I know how you feel. Years ago, I had a partner who died. She left on a plane trip and I never saw her again.
You do come to grips with it. You will deal with it and process it and learn to nestle in beside it and go on with your life.
Some day you'll do something that used to be normal and she won't be there. It will really hit you then, but by then you'll be more able to handle it.
You won't forget her and you certainly won't stop loving her. You just remember that part of her that sits forever in your heart, and you go on.
Focus on those around you. You can't revive the dead, but you can reconnect with the living.
You need Chinese tonight. Go get some.
Joy
Missy, I heard about Gwen's passing from a friend and another sent me the link to this blog. Drop me a note if you like and we can catch up.
SAO
Please use so_austin@hotmail.com5 ush
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